CRACKQUAKE: The Experiment
by amsterdamxnoir
Summary: THIS IS THE EXPERIMENT. This is crack. bad, Bad, BAD Crack. A crazy crack pot pie of every twilight and twatfic cliche. Seriously, don't read this. And if you think you're FAMOUS, chances are I"M MAKING FUN OF YOU. RATED M for CRACK
1. crackcrackcrackcrack

I am Isabella Swan.

I had just got a call from my best friend Alice to meet her down out the local community theater for the new awesome show in town.

"Isabella?"

"Yes?"

"Are you talking to yourself again?"

"Yes."

I threw the tube of toothpaste at the mirror.

When I got to the theater I picked my tickets up at will call and headed for the theater gallery where seats were and when I got to the edge of the staircase, I took a deep breath and steeled myself.

I gripped the edge of the railing as my trembling legs made there way up.

One leg.

Other leg.

This leg.

Then the other leg.

And the third leg.

Where'd that leg come from?

And then my foot caught and I came crashing down face first onto the carpeted floor. As I trembled in a fetal position, a man and his toddler child passed my on the treacherous staircase and with tear blurred eyes, I watched the small child climb the stairs, one leg in front of the other, his pampers swishing with each graceful climb and cried again. So many people take for granted the ability to walk without diabolical scheming thin air tripping you every inch way.

"Clear the path, lady." I looked up and saw a boyish blond man standing above me in a theater uniform.

"Mike?" I asked incredulously. "Are you following me?" I gasped.

"What? No. Look you need to move, lady. This is a fire hazard."

"Mike Newton, I told you I DO NOT want to go to prom with you!"

"You're a crazy bitch, but I need you to move the crazy outside. You'll get me fired," he said sternly.

I rolled my eyes.

"Don't expect me to buy that. Bella? Bella Swan? You were only obsessed with me for four years of high school." I scoffed.

"Oh yeah," he said. "I remember you now."

I smiled demurely, flattered.

"Was it the mahogany hair, the creamy translucent skin, or the signature blush that gave me away. I can do it on command now, you know," I bragged and scrunched my face together creating the deep fuscia rouge that made hearts melt. He frowned.

"Ah, actually your wearing the same shitty green cable knit sweater you wore every day to school," he said and peered closely at my chest. Of, course. What a stalker.

"Is that the same mustard stain you got from Tyler after you ran on field in the middle of a football game screaming he belonged in your bubble because you could read his thoughts there?" he asked.

"No. It's not," I snapped and clutched my chest. "Tyler didn't throw that hotdog at me anyways."

I stormed off.

After I crawled up the rest of the staircase.

The show had already begun and I was oh so quite as I took my seat. Suddenly, from stage right, the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen in the world took the stage. A pale grey pallor, butterscotch eyes, and wild, Wild, WILD, bronze hair.

Sex hair, to be sure. That hair had been fornicated upon, no doubt. Felatio hair, indeed.

I wanted to adorn him in a crown of anal beads to be worn in lieu of thorns on his silken nest of sexually promiscuous follicles, because he was something heavenly. I wanted to nail him to a cross and bath in his blood.

Err…

I mean, tie him to my bed and churn sweet mud-honey with him and my table lamp. Oh so sweet. Flow freely, so freely. The elixir of the Gods for my… for my…. Adonis! Yes, Adonis! An Adonis he was. How I think of these things, I'll never know.

When the show ended, I waited off stage for my Adonis to receive his adoring fans.

"Bella!"

"Hi Alice. Did you shrink again?" I asked looking down at my pocket-sized friend.

"Yeah," she shrugged. "You know me, Pixie Alice! AHAHAHAHA!!!" she laughed and people eyed her nervously.

"Oh, Alice," I said amusedly and nudged her arm. She fell. "Oops!" I said.

"I'm fine. Look, I am going shopping tomorrow and if you'd like, I can pick you up a new sweater and schedule you for a bikini wax."

"Shopping again Alice? You go _EVERY DAY_. But this sweater is new," I defended and she frowned. "And I am not getting a wax."

"Suit yourself," she shrugged. "I gotta go because it's visiting night and I need to go talk to Jasper."

"How is he?"

"Good. With good behavior he'll be out in fifteen," she smiled. "But I'll wait FOREVER. I saw him in a vision once, you know."

"Yes. When you met, right?" She smiled.

"Yeah," she said dreamily. "If he hadn't robbed my liquor store that night and knocked me out with the snub end of the pistol, I would never had my VISION, and my life would empty. You just can't explain soul mates."

I sighed. Jealous.

"Isn't it hard not being able to see him for conjugals?" I asked wondering if I should search the prison pen pal list I had at home.

"Yes, but we'll always have that first sweet time," she mused.

"How much could you remember from that, though. You were passed out on the liquor store floor."

"Yes," she smiled crookedly. "But the flashbacks…I mean, memories of that first time hold me over."

Lucky girl.

She scuttled away on all fours and I continued patiently waiting for my ADONIS to receive me. I watched him standing with the rest of the cast from the acting troupe. The long black cape, faux widows peak, and fake blood drawn in marker gave him all the allure of a modern day Dracul. I timidly approached.

"I just wanted to say I thoroughly enjoyed the show," I said sweetly.

He stared.

"You were amazing."

He blinked.

"Are you new in town, do you need someone to show you around?" I hedged.

He twitched.

"I'll cut to the chase. I'd love for you to come back to my house with me," I proposed.

He was quiet.

"I am Vampire," he stated finally. His voice?_ Velll-veeet!_

I beamed.

"I know, it was great show. You're a really good actor. But I was wondering if I could tempt you away from your chaste mores and into some kinky business back at my flat," I explained.

"But I am Vampire," he replied.

"I love method acting," I drooled.

"Ah-ah-ah-ah," he said. Just like The Count. Yum. But I was tired of the foreplay.

"Look, if you come back to my place I've got a jar of spermicidal lubricant and swedish lamp that ergonomically designed. and I'll even throw in a fisting," I offered. He frowned at looked down at my tiny, tiny, tiny fist because my wee little hands are so very, very small.

"One fist, or two,' he said in a shrewd tone with lowered brows.

"Two," I smiled.

"Done." he nodded.


	2. getta sense of humah, miss

"So this is my place," I said as I threw my keys on the broken lawn chair. "Make yourself at home."

"Do you have any liquor?' he asked.

"Yes, I do. What would you like?"

"I'll have SCOTCH."

"Err..I don't have any. I have some Wild Irish Rose, some Boone's farm, some Natty Light, I just opened that can yesterday, actually…" I trailed off.

"I can only drink scotch," he said firmly.

"Why?" I quizzed. He scoffed like that was a stupid question.

"Because my name is Edward." He rolled his eyes.

"I'll make you my special homemade scotch, then," I said with a nod as I began to mix a cocktail of all of the aforementioned beverages along with an egg white, some half & half and a shot of red wine vinegar.

"So, what's your name?"

"Bella," I said and handed him his drink. He took a long sip and squinted at me really, really hard, like he was looking for something that wasn't there and then cleared his throat.

"That's really mean," he said decidedly as he set down the drink with a thud, revealing a frothy mustache from the beverage. It complimented his cakey white stage make-up nicely. I told him this much with eyes.

"What's wrong with your eye?" he asked.

"Huh?"

"Your eye. It's all wonkey," he said.

"Erm, nothing," I replied. "Why is my name really mean?"

"Well that's like those really big guys named "Tiny" or something," he said sadly shaking his head, but I didn't follow his train of thought and gave a quizzical look.

"Your name? The meaning?" he hinted hesitantly with a quirked brow.

"Oh, does Bella mean something? Because I was named after a famous actor actually," I said and blushed.

"Rosselini?" he asked incredulously.

"No," I replied, unsure of whom he meant. "Lugosi."

"No way!" he said excitedly.

"Yep," I replied proudly, excited that he seemed excited. We were both excited at that point, in case you didn't catch that.

"He's my idol. You know that's who I was channeling tonight--in the performance. I really feel a connection to him," he said. "It's like…spiritual, or something."

"I can see that," I said as I cozied next to him on the ripped out back seat of van that doubled as my sofa. You could hardly smell the hobo urine anymore.

"Yeah, sometimes I think I really was a vampire in another life," he said dreamily.

"Really?" I said, wondering if he realized vampires were soulless and immortal.

"Oh yeah. Like when I cut myself? When I'm shaving, you know? I always want to lick the blade," he said.

"Renfield's Syndrome," I said.

"Exactly," he said slowly with wide eyes. I smiled.

"You know, you're not so bad," he said generously. He was dumb as a box of rocks, but he was hot as hell, and since in fanfiction that's all that girls care about, my hot, hot, center was already pooling like Phelps at the summer olympics.

"You're not so bad either," I said seductively as I let my hand twirl in the magical forest of sexual bronze that probably housed the last of the dying unicorn race.

"So," he said, slapping his hands down on his knees. "about those fists…"

And he didn't need to finish the sentence, because my lips were on his in a heartbeat. I could taste the delicious flavor of the cream and egg that had curdled in the vinegar, and just like when Alice and I play "_Guess what's hiding in my bo, but first you have to find with your tongue, and, no, it's not the missing can of travel sized Aqua-net, maybe._"

The kissing turned more aggressive and in minutes we were both only in our underwear.

"Are those Scooby doo boxers?" he asked breathless as he broke the kiss.

"Yes."

"Damn, girl, you're driving me crazy," he said.

"I like yours, too," I said as I fingered the pink lace LaPerla thong and ripped the crotch. He liked that.

He kissed down my chest and made his way down my stomach. He cupped the backs on my knees and spread my legs wide. He slid a finger inside me, and then another as he began pumping in and out.

"Alright, I'm going down," he said as he shimmied to my soggyness and reverently slid my boxers down. I bit my lip and stared at the ceiling when I felt I fingers cease. I looked down hesitantly, afraid I'd unknowingly had another breakout.

"It's a FURSPLOSION," he whispered slowly as his gaze stayed fixed on my kitty, my core, my dripping wet center, the old ax hole, my pink taco.

He looked up and smiled and then licked his lips. I smiled back.

"Is that ok?" I asked. He smirky-smirk, smirk-smirked. Smirk-smirkarooney. Smirky Smirk and the Funky Bunch. It was a smirk.

"I kinda' have a Rhea Pearlman fetish," he admitted sheepishly before he dove in.

He made quick work of my lady parts with his highly skilled tongue and when he came up for air he was drenched.

"You didn't have one," he stated, panting heavily.

"Ahh," I was gonna lie but since he brought up... "No."

"Hold on a sec," he said as reached one finger inside me and ordered in a booming voice. "I command thee by the power of Greyskull; CUM!"

"Oh! Oh! Ohmygod, ohmygod, Oh, OH! Holy shi-I canbreath, Ohh, Yes, yes, DOOOO IIIIIT! Yes! Lord, YessssssssssssssssssssssssSSSSSSSSS!" I screamed as I came harder than Tracy Lords having a train ran on her at a Colorado truck stop.

"That was incredible!"

"It's a gift." He shrugged. "All Edwards can do it."

"What else can all Edwards do?" I asked, fascinated.

"We can cure insomnia, give you a false sense of self esteem, but only as long as you're in our presence and only as long as we want you, we can become doctors at the age of sixteen, kill werewolves, fuck every girl in town be a total douchebag and still be the most desirable man you've ever met, and we can cheat on you, go emo and run away to alaska for stupid reasons like YOU accidentally getting hurt at YOUR OWN birthday party, or for reading my moleskin, or growing a backbone, and you will always, ALWAYS take us back," he said with a nod as my juices continued to pour down his chin like a leaky spigot.

"Wow," I said wide eyed.

"Yep. That's not all. We can also convince any girl on earth to have butt sex, be a submissive, wear butt plugs or embarrassingly precarious vibrator underwear to family functions, or bake us any of wide variety of bakery goods ranging from cookies to cupcakes. Oh, and we're quite fond of MUSHROOM RAVIOLI and LASAGNA. In fact, those are our main two food groups," he finished proudly and my head snapped up because I'd started to doze off.

"Oops, oh, uh, yeah, that's cool. So, your turn," I said eagerly.

"Do you have protection?" he asked contentiously.

"Of course," I replied slipping my fingers inside the latex. "You know what they say, no glove, no love." I snapped the rubber against my wrist and he leapt with excitement.

A few minutes later he was laying on my chest, playing with the soft curls there and singing quietly in the most wonderfully melodic voice.

_Old McDonald had a farm, suck a fucking dick_

_And on that farm, he had some chickens, suck a fucking dick _

Did I mention his voice sounded like a velvet? It's true. It is the fabric of our lives, after all.

"That was amazing," he sighed.

"Yeah," I agreed.

"So, you wanna stay the night? I can show you around tomorrow," I offered.

"I don't know...girl's always seem to fall in love with me. I don't know if it's a good idea," he said. I bit my lip. And then blushed. And then tripped on thin air although I was still laying down.

"It's cool. I understand, Your name is Edward and all," I replied softly.

"Hey, little hands, don't be like that," he said tenderly, cupping my cheek and yanking down the hood of the black hoodie that magically materialized when I became self-conscious.

"It's fine," I said shyly and blinked away some tears.

"Alright, I'll stay. But only if you promise me you won't get all angsty and fall in love with me," he said firmly.

"Deal," I said. I rolled over and looked at the ripped pink lace thongs hanging from my Swedish lamp and I SIGHED HEAVILY, FOR A REALLY LONG TIME.

Too late.

**************************************************************************************************************  
axn: I'M NOT GONNA LIE TO YOU FUCKERS, WE'RE IN TO SOME BAD SHIT HERE AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING!!! WE ARE OUT OF CONTROL AND BARRELING DOWN A FUCKING CLIFF!!! BILLY BURKE'S MUSTACHE, TAKE THE FUCKING WHEEL!!! WHERE AM I GOING WITH THIS?????????! FOR THE LOVE OF ALEX P. KEATON, SOMEONE STOP ME!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

REVIEW, ASSHOLES, REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AND IF YOU HAVE SUGGESTIONS, SEND THEM TO ME!!! THAT SHIT IS LIKE MY LIFE-ALERT MEDICAL BRACELET!!! I NEED IT!!!!!!! LET'S SLAY THEM ALL BEFORE WE'RE DONE!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	3. the dutchman's bologna dick

I woke and rolled over to my Adonis lying next to me, and in his divine stillness, he rivaled any porcelain pontiff in any gift shop of all of Vatican City.

"Morning," he said as he rolled over. I inhaled deeply as is hot breath fanned my cheeks, as intoxicating as a pile of rotting chicken bones.

"Morning," I replied, and then proceeded to make out with him.

"So you're gonna show me around today, right?"

"Yes. We can go with my friend Alice to visit her boyfriend. I think you'd like him," I said.

"Why?"

"His name is Jasper."

An hour later we in my car headed to town.

"So, what exactly do you do for a living?" he asked curiously, as he steered the wheel of my rusted Chevy Nova by the handles of The Club that was still attached.

"I'm a writer," I said modestly. "I'm kinda famous actually. A published author."

"Orly? What do you right?" he asked, intrigued.

"Fanfiction," I said.

"I've never heard of it."

"I'm kind of a big deal."

"What's the name of your best selling book?" he quizzed.

"Well...it doesn't really work like that. You see, by 'publishing', I mean I click 'post' and my fans pay me in reviews, not money," I explained the complicated inner workings of the 'biz'.

"Oh."

"But, one of my stories is a MAJOR hit. It's called 'Insomniac Hipster Lamb Vamps of Mississippi" And I'm working on a new one. It's a slash," I said modestly.

"What's a slash?"

"It's boy on boy love. It's really edgy, actually. It's called "The Perfect Twink" and it's the first incest slash story. Really groundbreaking stuff. Their long lost brothers in love with each other after one accidentally bought one at auction. Now they're on the run in drag and murder people on a senseless killing spree and then have sex on the bodies," I explained.

"Wow. Sounds Interesting," he said. "Can you give me a sample?" I blushed.

"Sure," I said and closed my eyes to get into character and into the deep raspy voice of my lead. "It rubs the lotion on its skin. It does this whenever it is told."

I switched characters. "Mister... my family will pay cash. Whatever ransom you're askin' for, they pay it."

I switched back. "It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again. Yes, it will, Precious, won't it? It will get the HOSE!"

I finished dramatically and he was quiet for a while.

"What did you think?" I asked shyly.

"It's not bad. But it sound sorta…familiar," he finished slowly.

"Nope. Entirely original," I said proudly.

"Huh."

"Yeah, it was actually inspired by own life story," I said, because I really felt like I could trust this Edward.

"You've killed people?" he asked in surprise.

"No, well, not technically. But my Dad Charlie was the police chief in our small town. And he used to ask me to move all these heavy trash bags around with him in the middle of the night. Dozens of them. It turns out, he was The Forks Serial Killer," I said sadly ducking my head.

"I'm so sorry," he said sympathetically and took my hand.

"It was rough, but I'm just glad they never found out I helped. I mean. How was I supposed to know when he asked me to slit someone's throat in our shed, it wasn't under official police business? I mean, he deputized me at 12," I scoffed and looked out the window.

"Bella, I have to tell you something," he said quietly.

"Anything," I said tenderly. I'd shown him mine, now he would show me his.

"I'm going to have to arrest you. I'm actually a lead detective with the FBI," he said firmly, and suddenly the car swerved recklessly and my head smashed the dashboard.

"Jesus! What WAS that?!" I said shaken.

"It was a shark," he said quickly scanning the woods around us as we sped away.

"Did you hit it?!" I squeaked.

"No, it's fine. We jumped it," he said relieved, looking in the rearview. "Don't change the subject Bella. You are a murderer and I'm going to have to take you in because I'm undercover FBI."

"How can that be! Your so young!" He couldn't have been older that 17!

"I'm an Edward, remember?" he said, raising a brow.

"B-b-but you shot up heroine this morning in my kitchenette!" I stammered.

"It doesn't matter how inconceivable this sounds, it's true. I'm going to have to arrest you."

"I trusted you!"

"I know," he said sadly.

"I LOVED you!" I exclaimed.

"Damn it, I told you not to fall in love me, Bella! You can't pin that on me!" he said frustratedly and slammed his fist on the dashboard.

"I can't help how I feel. I'm completely, utterly, rectally, and heterosexually in love with you! if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right!" I cried.

"You really love me?" he asked, skeptically.

"Yes," I whimpered.

"Okay. Let's run away," he said.

"Really?"

"What the hell, let's do it. I was due to retire from the force next year, anyway. Maybe we can run to Florida and I'll be a rocket scientist!" he said wistfully.

Tears of joy streamed down my face relentlessly. He was a beautiful boy, dumber that shit, but he wanted me, too.

"I'm so happy right now," I said as I leaned over and hugged his chest.

"Me, too, little hands. Me, too," he said sweetly, as his hand began to caress my back. I snuggled closer.

"What are you doing?" I asked suddenly as I felt his hand pressing my head into his crotch.

"On, uh, nothing. I just thought this called for a little road head," he said shyly.

"Anything for you, my love," I said as I unzipped his pants.

**************

axn: ENCOURAGE THE CRAZY! SEND ME SUGGESTIONS!! THIS IS A DEMOCRACY OF SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	4. foiled by the red banana

"MTHLGFUEU"

"You okay?" he asked as my head bobbed up off his member.

"Fine. My phone's ringing," I said as I wiped away his creamy fluid and pulled out my iphone. I smiled broadly. It was my secret internet penpal.

_My dick, it hurts; some crazy shit from it flows._

_I stick to your words, the magical way sesame seeds stick to a bun._

_Without your sesame words, my buns are less spectacular._

_Adhere yourself to my bun, with my sticky dick glue._

_Semen and seeds. Seedy semen-y needs. On oven fresh buns._

_Delouseme_69_

_He's just like Keats _I thought. I sighed and then texted him back.

_I met a boy. His hair is fire, his loins are nice_

_I drink tequila, sometimes on ice_

_My coochie tastes like citrusy lime_

_I should really see the ONGYN about that_

_Seriously, it's like a rotten Fresca down there_

_But the boy doesn't want me._

_Ordinary_Slut_

I hit send and stared out the window.

"Who was that?" he asked suspiciously.

"Just a friend from Pheonix," I said innocently.

"Really? I'm from Pheonix," he replied.

"You wouldn't know him. He's a singer/songwriter in a really underground band. You've probably never heard of it. No one's ever heard of it. It's really scene," I said, trying to sound unpretentious. He shifted in his seat and tried to hide his disappointment.

"It's cool. I totally know how that is. I'm in a band just like that back in Pheonix. Our shows are so underground, sometimes no one shows up at all," he said broodingly with a casual shrug. It turned me on.

I reached over to kiss him but then his phone buzzed and stared out the window again, suddenly torn between my Edward and Delouseme_69.

A few minutes later my phone buzzed and I discretely pulled it out. Edward's mind seemed elsewhere.

_I met a girl. She's pretty average_

_I think I might use her for sex for a while_

_Until I quench my thirst in your sulpherous Sprite-like pussy_

_And we can deal with whole seed bun issue, too_

_Until then, let's keep not telling each other our names_

_I think that's a good idea and really wise_

_It's not contrived at all_

_Delouseme_69  
_

I smiled and shut my phone and Edward and I rode the rest of the way to visitation in an awkward heavy silence. It felt like something was in the air and I couldn't put my finger on it. It was too mysterious a thing to comprehend. I tried really, really hard and all the things we'd said bounced in my head but I came up with....nothing.

We pulled up outside the jail house where Alice was waiting outside in technicolor coat that touched the pavement and her long white blonde hair wound into a ponytail with a reem of hot pink tuile. Always the fashionplate.

"Bella!"

"Alice! This is Edward. You remember him from the traveling show the other night?" I said.

"Yeah, the Vampire. You were really great," she said and batted her lashes. I seethed.

"Thanks," he replied smoothly with a gleaming white smile.

"Yes, we're here to visit her BOYFRIEND and SOUL MATE, Jasper," I emphasized.

"Yes, Jasper's the love of my life," she said and she seemed to snap out of her lusting after my man. Edward was my man now, right? Did I want him to be? Delouseme_69 was so smart and clever, but Edward was sexy. I was torn. Maybe not torn, but certainly perforated. I could feel the pre-dotted lines splitting my soul and heart in half, equal in parts. Just like a Pheonix. Yeah, a Pheonix gloriously rising from the ashes of redemption, wings blazing hot like a thousand Moroccan suns to live once more and soar above materialism and the commonwealth, above slavery and persecution. Wait, that's not relevant. I decided to abandon my inner dialogue.

We went inside the waiting room until Jasper appeared in his orange jumper in shackles, shuffling his feet. His long dirty blonde hair tousled and his tattoos peeking out from the flesh under every edge of fabric like he'd showered in fountain pens and just let it bleed. No soap.

"S'up," he said with a nod and took a seat. The huge shiny scar that serrated his Adam's apple was a distraction.

"Hello, I'm Edward, Edward Cullen," he said confidently, leaning forward extending a hand.

"I just fuckin' bet you are," Jasper leered suspiciously as his knee bounced and his eyes shifted nervously around the cinderblock room. "Who's idea was it to bring a fuckin' Edward here?"

"Uh, he's with me," I replied, nervously.

"Yeah, you Marxist bitch, I bet he is with you," he spat quickly, his eyes bulging.

"Sorry," I muttered and Edward's arm tightened.

"I should punish you for this, you dirty bitch. I should fuck you right here on this floor and roll all that silky hair on this spit out gum and rub the strawberry right out until you smell like Lysol. Clean as whistle." He whistled with bulging wide eyes, the whites rimming them like china white plate chargers.

We were stunned silent.

"Fuckin' pine. I like that shit," he muttered.

"Hi Jasper," Alice said nervously.

"You again," he said.

"Hun, I made you some cookies," she said.

"Who the fuck do I look like?! Do I fuckin' look like a cookie eatin' motherfucker to you? I should eat your fuckin' cookie right now, you tiny disco macaroon lookin' midget. All fuckin' delicious. Lick my lips," he said.

No one said anything for a while.

"So are you holding up OK?" I asked breaking the silence and his head snapped to me.

"All be holding up better once I douse you hair in lemon scented disinfectant and stick my dick in your asshole a couple times. Like a fuckin' dipstick. So I can measure my progress," he said.

"Hey now," Edward interrupted.

"Inches of brown. All up in your chocolate starfish. I like to gauge my accomplishments, you know?"

"I think that's enough," Edward hissed.

"Why? Jealous? I bet you are, you dipstick testin' lookin' motherfucker. I got a big black guy named Hammer that'd love to test his out on you," he said with a smile that made us all uneasy. I looked over to Edward, who looked like he was considering something until I nudged him.

"Ahem...you...you shouldn't talk like that in front of the ladies," he murmured and slouched in his seat awkwardly.

"It'd suck to have a brown dick. How do you measure your success in the starfish with a brown dick?" Jasper mused philosphically.

"So deep," Alice said, mesmerized.

"You don't know deep until you let a man's knuckles graze your kidney from the inside," he whispered leaning in, licking his lips. She blushed.

"Well, we were just stopping by on our way out of town. Edward and I are running away together," I smiled.

"Oh yeah?" Jasper's brow quirked with interest.

"We're headed to Florida," Edward said and Jasper's out of focus eyes blinked and he seemed to come to.

"Hey, uh, Edward. I need a favor from you, buddy," Jaz said.

"Well sure!" Edward replied, Jasper sneered.

"Pull your car around the laundry entrance. I got a special jumpsuit for my parole hearing and I was wondering if you'd drop it at the dry cleaners for me," he explained.

We all looked at each other, not sure what the laundry proceedure was, but willing to help a friend. We didn't have any reason to decline. It seemed reasonable.

"Sure," Edward answered reluctantly. "I can do that."

We pulled the Nova around the back of the building and circled a few time looking for the service exit Jasper told us to meet him at before parking.

"He's allowed to send his laundry out?' I asked no one.

"Well, you can take a man's freedom, but you can't take his unnatural obsession with clean underwear," Edward said. Alice and I both nodded.

_Bang, bang, bang!_

We heard loud shots ring out and we all ducked instinctively.

"Holy shit!"

"What was that?!"

"Stay down!"

_CLUNK!_

_"What the fuck!" _Edward yelled as I saw Jasper had landed on the front windshield, clinging on like a homicidal monkey as we fishtailed and spun.

"Yippee-ki-yay, Motherfuckers!!" He screamed as he reached in his waistband and fired shots in the air. "Drive, fuckers, drive!!" he screamed at us as his pistol clanged against the glass.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"We're getting the fuck out of here," Edward said as the car screeched off and gunshots rang out behind us.

"Yeeee-Haaawww!!" Jasper hollered as he rode the hood like a mechanical bull firing in the air.

"I love you, Jasper!!" Alice yelled from the back seat, smiling so hard.

"I wanna fuck you in the ass, little midgetttttt!!!" he screamed and rose up on his knees. "I'm the king of the world!!" he proclaimed and I decided then and there if there was a such thing as a life sized Jesus hood ornament in standard prison garb for rusted hatchbacks, Jasper was it. I looked to my side and saw my Edward excited with the thrill of the chase, and I knew the two divine boys would be Alice and I's saviors.

"Where do you wanna go now?" Edward asked, taking my hand in his.

I wanted to go the most special place on Earth.

"Let's go to The Sizzler," I said. He smiled and kissed the back of my hand.

*****************************************************

axn: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU???? YOU CRACKHEADS ARE TOO BUSY READING SOME PROLIFIC SHIT, LIKE 'BELLA DOES DALLAS WHILE EDWARD WATCHES' AREN'T YOU??? THIS IS A FUCKING INTERVENTION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IT'S 3 AM, DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TODDLER IS???? SHE'S OUT DOING DOPE DEALS AND PIMP SLAPPING HOES ON THE CORNER!!!!!!!!!!!!!! STRAIGHT RUNNIN' GANGSTA SHIT IN HER PAMPERS!!!!!!!!! YOU HAVEN'T LEFT YOUR HOUSE IN DAYS, YOUR EARS ARE DIRTY AND YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE FEET BECAUSE YOU'RE IN FRONT OF YOU'RE COMPUTER READING HARRY/EDWARD/BILL COMPTON/TOM BRADY SLASH!!!! THAT SHIT DOESN'T EXIST, DOES IT???? IF IT DOES, SEND ME A FUCKING LINKYYYY!!!!!!


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